Bedlam in Brideford

by The Christmas Bride

supported by
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

      $10 USD  or more




It's Bedlam in Brideford, baby! See how we live, see how we sleep, dream. Tour is rough, baby. Who's gonna feed the drummer? You guys are hip, you know how it is. Any hornet's nest we hang our hat on is our home. And any bed we brazenly borrow (steal) is our bed. A barrowful of Bride!

The latest & greatest by your friendly, neighborhood Christmas Bride! Re-records of some old hits & some wee re-chords of some new shits! Plus a cover song!


released October 11, 2016

Chip - Bass, Vox
Sal - Drums, Vox
Davey - Guitar, Vox

Bret Koontz - Rhodes, Vox
Marc Riordan - Piano

Recorded by Taylor Hales & Bret Koontz, Fall 2015 - Spring 2016
Mixed by Taylor Hales
Mastered by Carl Saff
Photos by Holly Henry
Layout by Jake Acosta



all rights reserved


The Christmas Bride Chicago, Illinois

One thousand restraining orders won't stop these Chicago "boyz" from breaking and entering--your heart! Or your medicine cabinet! High Anxiety + Short Songs = Spared Attn. Spans! Don't Think! Listen Now!

contact / help

Contact The Christmas Bride

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Track Name: Sucking On the Tongues of Art Institute Girls
I once had a dream, made me smile
About 600 girls with 9,000 styles
Red, yellow, pink hair - shaved on 1 side
With no shave armpit, gonna make her my bride
But there’s 599 more. 599 more in store for you
What are you gonna do with just 1 girl?
The voice was right, reminded me
About the freedom of dream reality
And now I’m lucid, stupid
No time to thank baby Cupid

‘Cause I was sucking on the tongues of Art Institute Girls

I once had a dream, made me laugh
That sex was my art and love was my craft
With bras of lace and panties of cotton
But the girls want to sleep with Johnny Rotten
But there’s 599 more. 599 bad boys just like you
What are you gonna do to get that girl?
The voice was wrong, I was in a dream
The art school girls were ready to cream
And I don’t know nothing ‘bout art, they say
But I know about love and that’s okay
Track Name: The Spiderman Cub
The Spiderman Cub - Junior Size
The Spiderman Cub - Weave a web of lies
The Spiderman Cub - Be a good adult
The Spiderman Cub - Do not insult

The Spiderman Cub - Democracy
The Spiderman Cub - Spiderology
The Spiderman Cub - The Blackest Art
The Spiderman Cub - Spider smart!

Spiderman was a little cub before he grew into a great, big bear
Track Name: Top Uh Duh Pops
I said I wanna be on Top of the Pops
I really wanna be on Top of the Pops
Just like an Old Grey Whistle Test
It’s not the worst, it is the best
I wanna sing about the moon-ah & June-ah
I wanna be like Iggy Stooge-ah, acting rude-ah

On TV you’ll see my face, running from the human race
Sixteen, clumsy, and shy - A pop star such as I

I wanna be a Top of the Pops Star
(Killing himself to be a)
Relative rockstar in my world

BBC will hear my voice, running from the human choice
Sistine Chapel & Chime - Season of the crime
Track Name: Harri$on Dollar the Worldbank Baby
Everyone holler for the Worldbank baby of the day

Everyone holler for Harrison Dollar
The Worldbank baby of the day
If you get a call from Harrison Dollar
You better answer it right away

Harrison Dollar

He wants to go to art school but it’s just a tater tot school
And the women there are all too scared to change his diaper underwear
His mummy wants to leave him so she can go a-go-go
He’ll never learn to clean himself, instead he’ll punky pogo
Track Name: D.I.Y. Hi-Skool
DIY High School, wish it was my school
Come along and join the band
DIY High School, ice cream social
Hot enough to splatter your glands
DIY - wish it was my
I was it was my

DIY High School, anybody can enroll

DIY High School, not a dry high school
You can smoke whenever you want
Why I DIY: school color is tie dye
You can grow weed in every home room

DIY High School, yeah!

DIY High School used to be my school
Bought up by some sold-out saps
Arrested my homies, now it’s run by cronies
What we gonna do about about that?
DIY - wish it was my
It used to be my
Would you like to see my
Track Name: Your Maternal Feeling
Never gonna be your maternal feeling
I’m not your eternal cretin
Don’t need sympathy ‘cause I can get affection
Did I forget to mention
Self-sufficiency is my protection
And I’m never gonna be your maternal feeling

I heard someone say she got a girl erection from the boy in correction
That surprised me ‘cause he have severe brain damage
And negative finances
But she felt sorry and so for him twerk dances
And I'm never gonna think I’m a understand
Why she don’t want a self-made man like me

I heard someone say she she’d rather suck the junk out
Of his arterial blood-spout
That surprised me ‘cause he have some-kinda-itis
See if she get the virus
But that don’t matter much if he’s skinny and stylish

Noise Mom, Noise Mom!
I don’t want a noise mom even if she’s hot
Even if she’ll do anything I want
I don’t want a noise mom even if she’s got a lot of soul
Even if she’ll do anything I want her to
Track Name: Another Aries
I don’t wanna fall for another Aries
First they charm me, then they harm me
I don’t wanna fall for another Aries
When they’re gone, I cherish their panties

2 different girls born 6 days apart
Is it really any coincidence?
That they should act the same
Play with my brain then leave me with myself to entertain

1 of them loved me more but she doesn’t love me any more
1 of the several guys will become the one I most despise

Now she’d rather get beat by a junkie on the street
Than sleep with me because I gave her nice things
Track Name: Am I Masochist
Am I masochist?
I like to think that I can’t have you babe
You’ll be the one who throws me in my grave

We got this thing that’s so sexual
But believe me, girl - it’s consensual
You got me riding straight to my head
Please don’t deny me a heavy pet

You wonder I take all of your abuse
Because you got me so strung out on your caboose

You got that single, solid thing I crave
If you really loved me I would not be your slave
If it’s Freudian, I’ll slip it in
It’s your vanilla that needs polishing
Track Name: (He's Not a) Mongreloid
People say that I look like Booger
That I look like Dudley Dawson
Yes, yes - I must confess
It is an insecurity of mine

And when it’s cold outside
Pretend I am a skinny boy
And on a starless night
Engorge my member filled with joy

Gimme head ’til I’m dead
Never mind, that’s not what you heard what I just said

He’s not a Mongreloid
He’s just a half-dog caveman, man
From old Japan
Before they built all of that crap

People say I got moves like Jagger
But Mick is a dick and he don’t have a jacket
Why would I wanna be compared to that
Hivel-swipped monkey with a heart attack?

He’s not an unemployed
He’s just an almost unemployed
From old Detroit before they built all of those cars
Track Name: My Mother Always Knows Where I Am
My mother always knows where I am
My mother is momnipotent
My mother is the woman who understands
She is the one who’s momnipotent

My mother always knows where I am
My mother, police officer
My mother is the woman who understands
My mother is not my father


The old girl has got some radar
She doesn’t have to try very hard
She doesn’t have to look very far
Because the old girl has got some radar

I love my mother! Amo mi madré!
Track Name: Such a Clever Wonder
The girl doesn’t care ‘cause she’s a clever girlfriend
The boy doesn’t care ‘cause he’s a pleasure boyfriend
The world doesn’t care ‘cause it’s a blonde ambition
Who’s it kissing now?

Such a clever wonder now the Coroner should know my thoughts
He must be Ambassador of the Lost
Such a clever wonder, now the cameras are in the bar
They must be searching for a guitar

Isn’t it frightening, all of this fighting?
Isn’t it boring, all of this touring?
Why would I lie to you? Why would I lie?
I wanna be there, I wanna be scared
Track Name: Spaceship Grape
Spaceship Grape the Grape-Shaped Ship
Sucking on a solar spliff
Lucky like a lunar lick
It’s Spaceship Grape the Grape-Shaped Ship

Spaceship Grape the Grape-Shaped Ship
Totally total eclipse
Leftover hand over fist
It’s Spaceship Grape the Grape-Shaped Ship

Spaceship Grape, don’t fly away
Track Name: A Boy for Me (Catholic Girls)
Song & Lyrics by Catholic Girls